humble

This week I am on vacation.  It is 12:45pm and - don't judge me! - I am still in my pajamas.  As always, my students are in the forefront of my mind.  Even though I'm not technically working, I am at home writing IEPs, planning lessons, and thinking endlessly about what I can do better after the break.  Much to my enjoyment, Freedom Writers is on tv and now my mind is wandering even more...

I always knew I wanted to be a teacher.  My mother tells me that she knew when I was a little kid that I would teach.  I believe it is my obligation to help those around me, to teach them and let them teach me.  I love to learn and my kids teach me something new every single day - about patience, about respect, about love, about organization, about structure, about planning, about friendship, about hope.  As I watch Hilary Swank connect to her high school students dealing with gang violence, drugs, and unsafe living conditions, I think of the dynamics of the teaching world.  The separation of teachers who teach in "urban areas" compared to those who "play it safe" in middle class communities.  I think of the evolution of the town where I work - the place where I grew up, attended school myself, and now teach.  I think of how the demographics have changed.  I think of where I completed my student teaching.  Working in a Boston Public School, my world was noticeably different than it is today.  My work hours were longer, more intense, and I felt burnt out more often and more quickly.  But was I making more of a difference than I am today?  As educators, how do we measure our effectiveness?  Sure, we can administer a slew of assessments and assignments to gauge how much and how well our kids are learning the curriculum we throw at them.  But what about who we teach.  Am I less successful, less valuable than a teacher who works in Dorchester? Harlem? L.A.?  Is the penultimate success changing a group of troubled teens to those who "get it"?   Or is it just as important to help my middle of the road students rise to be the best they can be in our safe, mostly white school?

My head is swirling with thoughts, with provocations.  With judgments of my own self and my practice.  I remember when I started my student teaching.  The school I was at didn't believe in typical "punishments" - students who got into fist fights were encouraged to talk it out with their peer and a teacher instead of serving detention.  Kids who verbally assaulted their teacher were expected to apologize and try not to do it again but they weren't sent to the principal.  I can vividly recall being in my senior seminar class, expressing to my group how appalled I was that these students weren't disciplined!  My professor encouraged me to dig deeper, to keep watching, to see what happened.  I did.  And I was transformed.  My experience in that class, in that school has not only shaped the type of teacher I am but the type of woman, adult, and mother.

In Freedom Writers, Erin Gruwell's administrator advises her not to waste her time teaching her loitering, gang-banging teens because they don't care anyway.  She argues that they have no reason to care when the school is clearly not invested in them.  Torn books many grade levels below their own.  A dirty school.  Unkind teachers demanding respect just because.  Yet there are so many adults, teachers, supervisors, principals that still function in such a manner, believe in this type of "teaching".  I've been told not to bother teaching some of my kids to read because after all this time, they will never be able to do it anyway.  I suppose it comes down to a chicken-or-the-egg situation.  What comes first, the negligent school or the unruly (read: frustrated and struggling) students?  

I like to think of myself as open minded but I know I can also be too judgmental at times.  I am protective of the people and values that I care about and as a result often defend them - maybe too much.  I admit that the young woman I was in college knew how to be compassionate and helpful but maybe not how to couple that with effective teaching.  While I still have a lot of experience to gain, I am starting to see what it means to be truly effective.  Curriculum and assessments and data - oh my! - often prevent us from forming relationships, being a teacher and a friend, and using those teachable moments not necessarily to further explain fractions but to lead by example and learn from the students in our care.  In my classroom, we care for each other not by yelling but by listening; not by taking but by sharing; not by blaming but by accepting and forgiving.  And that's the way we like it.

Years ago, before I was a teacher, I was talking to someone about this movie.  The girl I was talking to was already a teacher in an urban area.  She told me stories like this movie are fake, they never happen.  Teens from Long Beach aren't transformed by one, female, white teacher into caring, hard working individuals.  But you know what?  I don't believe her.  Not one bit.

"...Even an ordinary secretary or a housewife or a teenager can, within their own small ways, turn on a small light in a dark room."

Finding the Balance.

Ahhh.  The luxury of time.  I'm fortunate enough to be a stay at home mother for just a little bit longer.  To have the chance to watch my daughter grow, to care for her every single day, to look into her beautiful face and relish the fact that she's all mine.  It is interesting how time changes though.  My life currently consists of different types of time.  I have my personal time (however few and far between!)...time to enjoy, to relax, to indulge, to just be.  As my 9 week old daughter currently sleeps next to me, I am able to have some wine and cheese, to catch up on one of my favorite television shows - Homeland - and to spend a little quality time with myself.  Having to take care of another person day in and day out, you suddenly realize how much "me time" you've taken for granted in the past.  Soon she'll wake up and need me for everything.  Need me to feed her, to hold her, to change her, to burp her, to cuddle her, to love her.  And as soon as I hear her subtle (ok, maybe not so subtle...) stirs and cries, I'll have to abruptly switch out of cheese-and-wine mode and move into Mommy mode.  And again, time changes.  Now I have to watch the clock to monitor how long she's eaten, how long she's slept, how much time we have until bath time or bedtime or our next feeding (or most importantly until Daddy gets home!).  Time takes on a whole new meaning.  And while both are important, they are very different.  Some days it feels like I don't have enough time for myself.  I have to admit - and with a bit of guilt - that I sometimes wish I had more time for myself.  The chance to make it to yoga, to cook a healthy dinner, to tackle the mounds of laundry in this apartment that would put Sarni to shame.  But then my baby wakes up and she sees my face.  Her eyes light up and fixate on me.  She smiles with her whole mouth, so wide, so happy in her innocence and my heart just melts.

I suppose when I stop to consider all of this I have to appreciate how lucky I am.  Some people don't have the time for any of these things, to do any of them well.  Some are working two or three jobs to make ends meet and never see their children.  Some want children and are unable to have them.  Others are unemployed and have to be at home but don't want to be.  I have the best of both worlds, of every world, and I am thankful for that.  The key, the challenge, the newest obstacle I face will be finding the balance between all of the types of time I am lucky enough to have in my life.

And as Abu Nazir is on the prowl, I will be going.  Happy Monday :)

open your mind.

I am a schedule fanatic.  An organizational maven.  A maker of lists...grocery lists, to do lists, checklists, "we need this for the house" lists.  I don't even necessarily use them or even reference them once they're made.  Sometimes I throw them away before I even get up from my seat.  But making them is glorious nonetheless.

If you open my planner, look at one of my 10 calendars, or read one of the aforementioned lists, you will immediately have an idea of what I like to do, where I go, and what my job is.  If you look at my plan book for work, you will see meetings penciled in, lists of things to send home with my students, and ideas for future lesson plans.  If you look at my personal planner, I have anything from doctor's appointments to nights with the girls written down, accompanied by reminders to pick up the dry cleaning and buy cat food.

So if you haven't figured it out by now, I am incredibly organized...aka a huge control freak...

I do have a point in revealing my - ahem - flaw, some might say, to the world.

I am learning (trying really, really hard to learn anyway!) the importance of being flexible.  Being a teacher, I've always had to be flexible to some degree at work.  I strive to be open-minded and malleable, knowing my colleagues will appreciate it and my students will benefit from it.  In my personal life, this flexibility doesn't come as easily, though I'm trying diligently to apply it.  I shudder when my plans change or something impromptu comes up.  I take it personally when someone cancels on me or my husband can't make it home in time for dinner.  On a deeper level, I am about to be a mother in a few weeks and more than ever I am aware of the need to be flexible.  As I prepare to give birth, I realize that even though I have a certain plan in mind, things (especially childbirth!) don't always pan out the way you had them planned in your head.  In order to keep my tension and fear at bay,  I need to accept that things will come up and there is nothing I can do about it (in other words, no, I really cannot control everything) - in birth, in parenthood, at work, and in my personal life.  Does that mean that the outcome won't be a happy one?  Not necessarily.  I think it's more about not sweating the small stuff...another novel idea that I'll be working on for the next century ;-)


What do you do to relax, let things roll off your back, and be flexible?

a girl's gotta eat!

Hello!

I hope everyone is having a great week!  I went back to work on Tuesday.  After two days of grueling professional development, I am home now enjoying the empty apartment - listening to some music, wearing my most comfy sweats, and doing something that I haven't in far too long...cooking.

Now I am no Julia Child.  Hell, I'm not even a Rachel Ray.  But over the years I've experimented with cooking different things and while it's all still a work-in-progress (I am not a natural chef!), I've honed my skills and perfected some recipes (just ask my husband how often he eats tacos...).  Since getting pregnant, my energy level has been a bit low (ok, the lowest ever) and cooking has certainly been last on my list of things to do.  Between the summer heat and my constant exhaustion, my diet has consisted mostly of Luna Bars and fruit.  After leaving work today though I was struck by a sorely missed desire to cook so I'm taking advantage of the empty apartment and blaring some fun music while I cook up one of my favorites - chili.

Chili is one of the easiest things to make and delicious to eat.  While I traditionally only make it for football Sundays or during the winter, I really wanted something hearty and comforting tonight.  I make chili a lot but tend to tweak my recipe every single time I do.  Tonight I referenced this Giada recipe (she's one of my faves!) and put my own spin on it. 


Sometimes it's just really nice to relax and do something you love, whether it be crafting or reading, cooking or blogging, watching tv or doing laundry.  After a long day of listening to people talk at me, of absorbing a ton of information, of organizing my classroom, it feels really nice to relax and just be in the moment.  Hope you're having a wonderful night doing something you love :) 

the handwritten note

In our fast-paced, digital age, we most often email or text rather than write a letter or make a phone call.  I've heard jokes recently (which unfortunately I am all too guilty of) about people using their phones for everything except actually speaking to another person on the phone.  Interesting concept...

This past weekend has given me a wonderful excuse to put my love for writing (I mean physically writing - pen to paper, people) to good use.  My family threw me and my husband a beautiful baby shower and now I get the pleasure of writing thank you cards!  While many would find this a daunting task, I truly enjoy it.  In fact, we got home from the shower, unloaded the presents from our car, and went right to Target so that I could buy thank you cards and get right to work.  Writing is a passion of mine, as is making others happy, and I am notorious for sending notes, cards, and letters to my family and friends in the mail all the time.  You name a place, I've probably left a note there - on a colleague's desk, in my husband's lunch, on my sister's pillow, in a friend's luggage.  There is just something so much more personal and endearing about a note that was given the special attention, time, and care to be written as opposed to a quickly typed and fired off email.  Don't get me wrong - I send happy, lovey emails as well and I'm sure we all utilize email to communicate at our jobs or school.  But there's a time and a place for virtual communication and I'm just grateful to be able to send all of those that care about me and my new baby a special, hand-written note to tell them how thankful we are.  Try and write something this week, whether it be a letter to a loved one, a card to a friend, or a journal entry.  It is the little things that make us happy and writing is a little thing too often overlooked :)

I love you, Target

Back to School

For months now we've been seeing signs that fall is coming.  From Target putting out school supplies in July to Halloween candy spilling over the shelves at every grocery store, summer is rushed to an end before it is truly over.  And while I plan to savor these last few weeks of the season I have to admit that I'm a fall girl at heart.  Sweaters and boots; crisp leaves; kicking off the holiday season; and apple picking are all reasons why I have to claim fall as my absolute favorite season.  Of course I can't overlook my life's passion, teaching, and the fact that I'll be returning back to work soon - something that excites me beyond words.  I am fortunate to absolutely love my job.  With colleagues whom I not only get along with but rely on, trust, and adore, and a school functioning under amazing leadership, it would be impossible to not love where I am.  And even though returning to school means beach days and sleeping late are (temporarily) over, when I see the faces of my students and colleagues whom I've missed so much over these past months, it'll all be worth it.

Tomorrow my school will open up its freshly polished doors for teachers to start setting up their classrooms and preparing for the upcoming year.  As I think about what's to come, I am reminded of a quote that I try to keep in mind when working with students and children, though it really applies to anyone you've encountered in your life who may be struggling with something.

patience is a virtue

It can be so easy to get angry or impatient with people we care about.  I don't know about you, but I'm more likely to voice my frustrations or anger at my husband or my sister or my mother before snapping at the person in line ahead of me at the supermarket who has more than 12 items in the express lane (really though, come on...). They say that those we are closest with generally love us no matter what, unconditionally.  Perhaps that's the rationale for sometimes treating them harshly or speaking before thinking?  In the classroom, this can be the case as well.  Sometimes the students we hope to impact in the biggest ways are the ones that provide the most challenges and try our patience day after day.  Does this mean they are "bad kids" (a phrase I've banned from my own personal vocabulary) or simply that they need more of our attention, love, and specialized care?  If a child walked up to you and said "I feel so angry all of the time because of the things I've been through...I really need your love and extra attention" you would surely hug that child and do whatever you could to improve their conditions.  So why when a child acts out - showing with words and actions that they need our love rather than saying it in a straightforward way - are we often inclined to scold, yell, belittle, embarrass, or otherwise cast away this needy child?  As a teacher, I try to remind myself as often as possible - and still it isn't always enough - that every child needs love and care in their own unique way and part of my job as an educator is to provide that.  Not only do I need to cover the math and science basics, I need to exhibit strength and empathy, compassion and care, flexibility and tact, in an effort to improve the lives of my students and model for them the morals and values of being a kind person.

Patience isn't always my strong suit.  While I'm better in the classroom than I am at home (my husband can attest to this!), I am not the person who doesn't mind waiting in line (I mind...a lot).  I am not the person who can sit calmly while my meal at a restaurant hasn't come after 40 minutes.  I am not the person who can deal with the internet being unbelievably slow (not a huge fan of Comcast right now, let me tell you).  But in my line of work patience is a must.  In life, for all of us, patience has its place.  And while it may not be the easiest virtue to practice at all times, it can make a difference in someone's day.  It can make a difference to one of my students - to boost their confidence, to give them that extra minute to solve the problem, to show them that their thoughts are important too.  And with Autumn's arrival quickly approaching, I have an even better reason to practice what I preach...!  As I head into this new school year, there are so many things on my mind but a good place to start is to remember that the ones who often seem the hardest to love are truly those that need it the most.

quick post!

I've been a bit stressed this week with the move, the baby, and all the other fun things life has thrown my way.  A friend of mine sent me this picture to remind me to stay calm, be positive, and enjoy the positive things going on in my life.  I found the picture itself beautiful and the quote inspiring and thought I'd share :)

just breathe.